Tuesday, March 19, 2013

This is life. .. for some. ..

Everyday I wake up, I know who I am. .I am a black woman living in America.  This concept seems simple enough to me and not a big deal.  I go to work, deal with my issues, take care of my bills and my family. .. normal things?  I grew up extremely naive of the world as a military brat around white people most of my young life.  I was never truly privy to the hate that people had towards people like me, it was never an issue.  Anybody who did have an issue never made it known to me.

    As an adult I am seeing everyday just how naive I was.  With the election my eyes have been opened even more so and it sucks.  I'm never one to judge someone based on superficial reasons.  I judge you according to how you act, not your gender, race, age, or anything else that doesn't necessarily make a person be this way or that.  I also know that there are plenty people in the world who are also this way, but it's pretty annoying to see these blogs.. such as "stuff black people don't like" where hatred is the common denominator.  People that are commenting are teachers. .. and that's scary! Not only teachers are commenting, I'm just saying....  I've never considered myself a cynical person, but being slapped in the face with such a reality is definitely cause to see things with more of a fine tooth comb.  With every skipped over opportunities and attitude given,  I not only have to look at myself and ask what did I do wrong, I also have to ask if it's possible that I just wasn't the preferred race.  I not only have to reexamine these things in regards to me but my children as well. 

  It's a hard truth to swallow knowing that no matter how intelligent, qualified, or experienced that I am or my children are. ... the only qualifications that will matter are our beautiful skin tone and preconceived notions that go along with it. People ask me why do I look at things like that blog. ...I tell them that I have to be informed about things going on around me, not so much for me but for my children. .. it would be irresponsible for me not to be aware of these things.  I don't go searching for these hateful things, but with the increase of technology and social media. .. It gives everyone the opportunity to show their ass, figuratively and literally lol.  It's hard being the best person you can be but denied common decency because of ignorance.  There have been many occasions where I have dealt with people and it was obvious that they felt they were entitled to being treated better than I was when they didn't even know me.  I often wonder where does this feeling of entitlement come from? Why do people feel that they are the exception to the rules because they are them?  Why do they feel that I am not worthy because they are them? And why do they feel that they should not be called on it? How can you get mad at someone for calling you out on your actions? You mean you're mad because I'm mad that you're out of line. ..you're mad that I'm mad with you????

   Do I think racism will ever go away? Not likely, hate begets hate and very rarely does it beget courage to overcome it.  The best I can do is educate mine and try to spread that knowledge and be as aware as possible.  To the people on that blog and blogs and mindsets alike I say. .. God bless you all.

Sunday, March 10, 2013


   I recently upgraded my old Honda civic to a brand spanking new Dodge Durango.  I have driven this truck to and from work everyday since then as well as other places, but I had an experience that I had only heard about or witnessed from the sidelines up until then.  On one particularly non special morning I was driving to work.  It was very early in the morning, before seven.

    I drove the same route I always drive in the same hurried fashion that I keep trying to break myself of, all while talking to my fiancé on my cool new car blue tooth function.  Driving down the road going 5, possibly 10 miles over the speed limit (not sure because I always get the speed limit wrong by like 5 miles on that road since it's usually a caravan of people driving in a giant cluster).  On this particular morning I happened to be pretty much alone going down the street when I could see the light turning yellow.  I started slowing down and as I got closer to the light I noticed a cop car to the right, kinda hiding behind some large trees.  By the time I was able to see him I was going pretty slow in order to stop at the light.  I passed him and I stopped very shortly afterwards at the light.  After a few moments he pulled out behind me.

   I didn't think anything of it, but then the light turned green and his lights started flashing!  I couldn't believe I was getting pulled over!  I knew I hadn't done anything wrong so I waited for him to walk up to my window with my fiancé patiently waiting as well on the bluetooth.  The officer reached my window and the first question out of his mouth was: "is this your car?"  It was such an unexpected question that I actually had to think about it for a second.  I told him yes of course this is my car!  After a bit of back and forth about what speed I was going (he didn't even know the speed limit either), I eventually have him the information he requested.  I watched him take my paperwork and license to the back of my car and join 2 other cops who were suddenly back there.

   As my fiancé and I began talking about what happened I kept my eyes on the gaggle of hens in my rearview mirror.  We discussed how ridiculous it was for him to ask me that and I began getting extremely irritated as the reality of the situation began to sink in.  My irritation grew to anger as I watched the 3 cluckers stand behind me laughing and talking while wasting my time in the process.  With my anger came assumptions as to what was so funny to the 3 white officers who obviously racial profiled me and were now probably making racist jokes at my expense.  The cop finally came back, handed me my information and told me snottily to watch my speed and something else I think,  I was still preoccupied by what had just happened.  My fiancé says I should have gotten his badge number but I explained that I was in too much shock to even think of that.

    That experience was a first for me as far as directly in my face type of racism that I noticed. I've heard stories about people being racially profiled,  but never actually had it happen until then.  It was a reality check of epic proportions about the underlined feelings that are still prevalent today.  I know the situation could have been worse and I thank God it wasn't,  but I will never forget the events of that day. It reminds me of that song by Kanye West, All Falls Down: "Even if you're in a Benz, you're still a nigger in a coupe."

Friday, March 1, 2013

My fiancee says the craziest things...

    One day my fiancee and I were leaving a discount store and when we got to the corner, there was a homeless couple. The man was holding the sign and the woman was sitting down. My finance looked at me and said, look where we're at! We're not at some high end store,we're leaving the poor people store. Why do homeless people beg from poor people?  We're barely a step above them, that doesn't even make sense!
   Personally I thought this to be hilarious, true and hilarious.  Don't get me wrong, my fiancee, although brutally honest and sometimes extremely mean, he would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  It does make me wonder though, you never truly know the backstory of what people went through or are going through. It's hard out for everybody, living paycheck to paycheck, struggling to pay bills and still trying to come up in life.  So of course it's hard to see people who are worse off. I couldn't imagine not having anybody in this world to help me out when I need it.
   It's an annoying internal debate to want to help every lost soul in the world you encounter, but know that you can't because you have to provide for your own first. For me, I think the worst thing we can do as parents is not be the strength our children need so I absolutely hate to see people panhandling with their kids in tow. One time I was coming out of a store at like 11 pm on a Tuesday night and this woman approached me with her obviously embarrassed daughter pulling up the rear. The woman was telling me how they had no food to eat, no diapers for her baby, etc etc. I kept glancing at her daughter who was probably no more than 9 or 10 and you could tell she was mortified. I didn't get the impression that she was sad because of what her mother was saying, I got the feeling that she was desperately trying to telepathically teleport herself far, far away. The mother was acting in a manner such as that of an addict, grinding her teeth and not able to stand still, so I could only imagine the real reason for the begging.
  At the end of the day though I'll never know what was really going on or how that poor child was actually feeling. I didn't have any change so I couldn't help her, but I imagine that someone that hard up should be asking for food and not money. I couldn't imagine putting my children through that, being that type of influence for them. I understand that children loosen the heart strings, but come on now.....    But alas that is only my opinion looking in from the outside. But when I was down and out, which I have been a couple times, the thought of putting that burden on my children never entered my head....