Monday, December 10, 2012

I know you are but what am I....

  Being a self aware person, is not always a good thing.  Even though this means that I crack myself up daily, I do tend to get on my own nerves as well, and that's never a good realization.  Yesterday as I was washing dishes, I was urging my daughter to clean her room.... it was a lot of urging, I kept reminding her to clean her room every few minutes or so, and it got to the point where I actually told her:  I'm not going to tell you again to clean your room, because I sick of hearing my own voice at this point, so just have it clean and I'll be in there soon.  At the time, it wasn't even like funny annoying, I was honestly sick of hearing my own voice over and over, yelling through my house.  There have been many times throughout my life when I realized that something I was doing or actions that I seemed accustomed to taking were not cute or appealing.  I have to say, realizing that you are being a bitch, idiot, moron, jackass, whiny or whatever the case may be is never fun.  Realization has never been the hard part for me, the hardest part for me has always been making the change.  I'm 31 years old and I'm still trying to be "who I want to be when I grow up".

  I have a constant conflict of attempting to be the woman I want to be and who I actually am, it is as if these two parts of me are in a perpetual tog of war, battling it out in the ultimate showdown.  I have an attitude, an attitude that can be pretty brutal and cold hearted at times, but that is a part of me that I love and hate.  I love the fact that I will not be pushed around or let others be pushed around, but at the same time, I wish that it didn't have to be the part that people focused on the most.  Do you ever feel like people only concentrate on the part of your personality that doesn't put you in the best light?  I've always kinda sorta wanted to have the super power to be able to read people's minds, to know what people were really thinking about me, because 99% of the time, we truly do not know.  I've had a recent epiphany where I discovered that people do not see me the way I thought that they did.  People are much more close-minded than I gave them credit for.  I see now that people cannot wrap their brains around someone being motivated, skilled, knowledgeable, intelligent, and hard-working, while at the same time being silly, loud, opinionated, fun, and sarcastic.  It apparently must be one or the other.

  I suppose as an adult, I should have grasped this concept a long time ago, but I guess my "child-like mind" just thought that other people were as open minded as I was when it came to things like that.  I'm not sure how I could be so naive about this one thing, maybe I was just being close minded myself, in a way.

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